Last year I went through my first serious break up. I’m sure it’s not easy being the breaker, but the breaker is already in the mindset to move on; being the breakee, I’ve struggled to not hang on to something I didn’t want to end. It’s been 9 months and I’m still fighting that voice inside my head that whispers her name incessantly; this post is about how to get that voice to shut the fuck up.
- My best friend gave me excellent advice: Once an ex, always an ex. I have since heard this same advice over and over again. There was a reason for the break up. That person thought about their decision for a long time. You cannot change that. If you could not resolve the issue while you were in the relationship, you are unlikely to do so outside the relationship. What’s more, it would probably be unhealthy to do so.
- Do not try to be friends with your ex (at least not right away). I have heard so many stories about people ending 5 or 6 year relationships. Couples need space after a serious relationship. You both cannot go from lovers to platonic friends and expect no further conflict. I know one exception to this rule, and that couple had 3 months and a continent between them and their break up. And when the resumed their friendship, I think they were able to do so based on lies. One half of the couple told me that the most happy people are capable of believing in lies they tell themselves. For example, “I’m happy just being friends. This was for the best.” I think that couple is an exception because most people cannot lie to themselves. Lies always catch up to you, even those you tell yourself.
- Social media has changed our relationships. Facebook status updates pushed to our phones; personal blog posts by our significant other; text messages. You name it, there are tons of services that we use every day that are all ready to give you that update that gently punches you in the stomach one more time. In light of a break up, social media truly becomes a stalking tool. We can keep track of people we still want in our lives by monitoring their accounts. Sure, you might care about the person and still find them interesting, but when it comes down to it, social media keeps that person associated with painful emotions at the forefront of your thoughts, which is not what you need. Unfollow, unsubscribe, and unfriend your ex. And don’t say it’s nothing personal, because it is. They moved on because they wanted to be happy. You should move on because you need to be happy too.
After a serious break up, do yourself a favor and get rid of all the reminders associated with that person. You should not waste your time and hamper your happiness on countless reminders that something special is no more and that you won’t have it again. Instead, buck the fuck up and make new friends and focus on new activities. Go to a bar, a coffee shop, a tea house and talk to people. Be interested in other humans. Learn their stories. Join a meetup group that shares your interest, whether in photography, soccer, rock climbing, Spanish language, or whatever your interests may be. There are not only other fish in the sea, but there is an entire fucking sea. Go see it!