I burned out on religion back in 2006. Since then I don’t discuss it much. When I do, I don’t usually encourage discussion that goes beyond the surface. This post is about how I became an agnostic. The key aspect of agnosticism that I identify with is that I claim neither a belief nor disbelief in God. Unlike some agnostics, I disagree that ‘nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena.’ For me, the future presents the possibility of this Knowledge. For now, I recognize that I have no Answers.
First, a little background. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents belonged to the World Wide Church of God, which grew out of The Radio Church of God, a broadcast started by Herbert Armstrong in the 1930s. My parents met at Ambassador College, which was founded by the WWCG. And for 9 years, I grew up in the church. After the age of 9, religion and God wasn’t on my radar, although I do recall occasionally passively-accressively making fun of über-conservative Christians, mostly because I didn’t relate. My family had been Christian, yes. But in high school, I remember explaining to people that I was half Jew. I was surprised years later when having a discussion with a maternal cousin that she also had described herself this way. The reason for this “half Jew” description is because we didn’t celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthdays, or eat pork or seafood. And I remember learning more about the Old Testament, Moses, and Abraham, than about Jesus.
The only clear memory I have about religion after my life in the church is from an incident that occurred during 10th grade Japanese class. I recall becoming irritated during a discussion about homosexuality and telling a Christian girl that the Bible was gay. I was sent to the Vice Principal’s office. He asked why I was there. I explained, apologized and promised to make an apology to the girl. He said I was a good kid and was surprised to see me in his office, which I never visited again.
The birth moment of my religious seeking began after I graduated high school back in 2004. I was in a relationship with a girl for about 9 months. At the end of the relationship, we argued a lot. At one point, she exclaimed something along the lines of “I’m glad we never dated. I don’t even know if you believe in God.” I was stunned. I didn’t know where the statement was coming from. Nor did I have a reply. I didn’t have an answer. Like I said, God wasn’t on my radar, so even I didn’t know if I believed in God.
After our “break up” I hung on to her and that relationship like a neglected puppy dog. The next year was pitiful but defining. I become a Baha’i, in part, to stay in her life, and in part because the Baha’i Faith was something new. A key aspect of what attracted me to the Faith is that Baha’is believe many religious figures like Jesus, Muhammad, Krishna, Buddha, Abraham, Bahá’u'lláh, and others are all profits—messengers sent from the same God at various times throughout History to share and reveal God’s message. This belief was a more open, compassionate, and seemingly educated perspective that allowed me to reconcile many issues I previously had with religion. Specifically, exclusivity. Who was to judge what religious people had the Truth?
Fast forward to my time at Iowa State University, I met a Christian girl who encouraged my questioning and exploration of faith. For months we spent hours staying up late wrestling with tough questions.
And, at some point after going to Bible studies,
reading scripture and exegesis,
going to the Mosque and reading the Koran,
reading the texts of Bahá’u'lláh and His son `Abdu’l-Bahá,
the Bhagavad Gītā and some of The Vedas,
the Torah,
going Church hopping (the religious equivalent of bar hopping),
taking enough credits of Religious Studies to declare a third major,
watching Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring,
reading Mere Christianity,
meditating,
reading Descartes and Hegel, among others,
internalizing the concept of hard determinism,
and the concept of cogito ergo sum,
I burnt out. And then
some ideas settled.
I accepted as prima facie and a priori that
- I cannot refute the statement, “I think therefore I am”
- I am not responsible for the generation my own existence or cognition
- Some Other is responsible for my existence.
- I will live and I am okay with that.
- I will die and I am okay with that.
- Death presents the possibility of Explanations.
The first time I remember describing myself as an “agnostic” was when I began dating my exgirlfriend back in November 2006. I gave her explanations similar to those I just listed. She agreed with my perspective for the most part, and we didn’t discuss religion much after that. Matter of fact, I became content. I had found what I was looking for.
Peace.
As an agnostic, I recognize the possibility that a life-altering, mind-shifting experience might sway me to take up a Faith, or persuade me to believe in some new perspective about the Origin and Purpose of Existence. Until that time, I will live my life with my ears, eyes, heart, mind, and arms open.